I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
