We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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