Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
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