My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
