a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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