$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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