Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
