Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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