I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
