New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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