ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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