OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize