mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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