I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
