onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
