You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
