Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
