That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
