Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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