My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
