So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
me + whiskey = a bad person
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
