I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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