He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
