he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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