Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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