Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
