Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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