Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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