The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
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Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
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I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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