I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
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Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
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A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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