if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
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He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
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I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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