just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
she pinky promised me she was 18
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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