Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
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He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
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I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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