'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
