drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
