Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
