Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
