i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
