My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
