Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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