i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
19 Parents Admit the Lies They’ve Told Their Children
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
21 Worst Confessions on a First Date
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
She made me pour olive oil on her.