anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
