i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I enjoy the company of your penis
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
