she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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