I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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