i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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