i can't believe i had my finger in that
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
