So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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