A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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