winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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