News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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