Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
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I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
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They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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