i think i have two assholes
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
