I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
