I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
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The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
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You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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